DATE: 3/05/2004 12:06:00 PM
Through Top-Secret celebrity moles in Hollywood, I have managed to get my hands on:
The Recipe for Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ
You will need:
1 fresh, firm, vaguely Semitic-looking Jesus
approx. 1/2 doz. highly stereotypical Jewish High Priests, preferably in anachronistic robes
3 lbs. dumb Roman soldiers
15 lbs. frenzied Jewish crowd
1 doz. blade-tipped scourges
1 wooden cross
Take vaguely Semitic-looking Jesus. Tenderize using Roman clubs.
Bring before highly stereotypical Jewish High Priests. Sautee in accusations of blasphemy till golden brown.
Bring before Pontius Pilate. Mix with frenzied Jewish crowd and dumb Roman soldiers. Let simmer several hours, removing from simmer at sunrise.
Puree to fine paste using scourges.
Serve nailed to cross, garnished with Crown of Thorns. Makes two hours and six minutes of utterly offensive movie.