AUTHOR: Beth TITLE: DATE: 4/30/2004 05:57:00 PM ----- BODY:

No Day But Today

I'm usually bah-humbug when it comes to warmth and sunlight and all that happy horseshit. But today even I have to admit the weather was nice--not too hot, with a touch of breeze, and I had my sunglasses with me, so that took care of the bright-light thing. Mostly. I walked out of work today to go pick up some smokes at the White Hen (I practically live there right now), and today was just the kind of day where I could drive with my shoes off and the window open, without having to either wait for the heat to turn on or blast the AC. Once smokes and a Boston Herald were acquired I sat back, smoked, and read the sports page. I felt something then that was quite strange. A strange hollow bubbling in my stomach, a certain clarity to my lungs. A looseness in my joints and muscles. And it wasn't just a nicotine buzz. After a long while of contemplating it, I realized--it was happiness. Not to crawl up on my cross, here, but if you think about where I was just a few years ago, real, unconditional happiness is something I've felt less in my life than most people. But today I realized I've finally gotten to the point where I can find it, and appreciate it for what it is. I've stopped wondering why about everything, too. Because another thing I realized today is that the only thing better than random, sitting-outside-the-White Hen-on-a-sunny-day-barefoot happiness is that happiness when it's hard-won. Which it certainly is.