AUTHOR: Beth TITLE: DATE: 5/06/2004 12:38:00 PM ----- BODY:

Question Confusion

Last night I actually had a semi-free night, other than looking at couple of apartments in Lowell and yelling at the Red Sox on the television. One of the apartments I looked at was very nice, and the price is certainly right, but now I don't know if the location might be a problem with that whole, you know, getting to work on time thing. There's another apartment in my price range near the Chelmsford-Billerica line, but the woman who was supposed to show me that never called me back. "You have two jobs. You have no kids, no pets, you call and say you're running late to meet me. That all shows you're responsible. You're like, the perfect tenant," Alex, the landlord showing me the apartments told me last night. Chalk up another point for him. But I just don't know if I can battle the traffic over the Rourke Bridge every single morning to get to Rte 3 to get to Woburn. Obviously--okay, well, hopefully--I'm not going to work in Woburn forever. And if something turns out to happen with the Sun, I'd be better off in Lowell. What to do? What to do? Last night I went to bed early, but do you think I slept? Yeah, not for awhile. I was too busy staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling and contemplating the fact that I'm a very disorganized person, and I'm not good with money, and how the hell am I going to do this. And if Steve comes to live with me, that'll make things a little easier moneywise--maybe--but what if we fight and turn out to hate each other? And then that soothing part of my brain--the one that's way smarter than the rest, for whatever reason, said--just look how far you've come since last year at this time. Last year at this time you had no job, had just started living at home, were still getting over UMass, had just left the Globe, were running out of money, paying $600 a month for COBRA health insurance, and were staying up till five in the morning and sleeping till 2 in the afternoon every day, and in between you were eating junk food in front of Law and Order and playing Snood on the computer. Yeah, I know, I thought, but what happens if I make some decision that lands me on the floor of a crack house overdosing in ten years, whereas a slightly different decision will land me in the career and house and marriage of my dreams? WHAT IF I FUCK UP??? Okay, said the other half of my brain, But ten years ago you were sitting in a ninth grade classroom. What about your decisions then has adversely affected you today? Well, yeah, but... Look. Think of how far you've come in a year. Why should you expect not to make similar progress this year? You're already doing it. You have two jobs where before you had none. You have health insurance. You're about to move into your first apartment, and you're going to have to learn how to balance the checkbook and pay bills sooner or later. The mistakes are part of the journey, and the journey, as we know, is the destination. But, but.. Go to sleep now. But, but... GO TO SLEEP NOW. Easier said than done. I did finally fall asleep, though, and did wake up this morning feeling much more energized, healthy and alive. Of course I'm also still apparently turning paranoid schizophrenic over what should be a normal rite of passage. So it's kind of a mixed bag today. Still, overall, my mood is generally bright with slight overtones of self-doubt. "I'm in a good mood today for no reason," I told the receptionist at work today, also for no reason. "Yeah, I mean, you should never be in a good mood," she replied. "Well, it's just that I have all this stress in my life right now. I have no idea why I'm still happy in spite of it." "Well, keep questioning it," she said. "I'm sure it'll change." I sighed. "I think it's because I got better sleep last night," I said finally. "Yeah, it's amazing what that'll do for you," she said in that Yeah-that's-great-now-please-kindly-fuck-off kind of way. "I don't get it though," I said. "I don't get why we need sleep. It's such a waste of time. What does it accomplish?" "Sure," she said with a wry smile. "Keep questioning that, too."