DATE: 7/27/2004 02:03:00 PM
I'd like to thank the spammers. I'd like to thank the virusmongers, the people with nothing better to do with their lives and the considerable intelligence it takes to understand computer programming than to make these pop-ups appear on my screen.
Where are you, you little corporate whores? Who are you people? Where do you come from? Did you answer one of those ads, WORK FROM HOME. MAKE $40,000 / HR. and get roped into a pyramid scheme? Where are you, programmers led astray, down the path of sending me little windows asking me to install your fraudulent security updates?
I'd like to thank the spammers, for invading my computer's registry, for jamming their viral marketing so far up my computer's system that it's going to take a full team of surgeons to get it out. I'd like to thank the person who came up with "viral marketing" in the first place, as a concept, as an idea, as a Pandora's box waiting to be opened. I'd like to thank whoever made that dream a reality. Because now we can't walk down the street without being attacked, physically, by marketing. We can't communicate on the Web without having our property compromised by people demanding our money--for the problems they've planted in the first place. It's everything that's wrong with the world.
I'd like to thank Google, which was attacked by viruses this week, and in that I include a thank-you to Blogger, which is owned by Google, which I would presume has also been attacked by viruses. I'd like to thank them all for utterly ruining any hope I had of productivity within my workday, as they sabotaged my work computer to the point where it's taken up most of my day to get it working again.
So thank you, spammers. As soon as I find you, I will be sending you the invoice, on behalf of my company, for the wages I lost to you today.