DATE: 1/05/2005 10:51:00 PM
As usual, my schedule is your basic blivet (In case you're not familiar with this colloquialism, allow me to define it for you. Blivet: blI'-vut n. Ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag).
So consider this the official holder of the place until I elbow out some time for the fabulous, fantastical updates that are sure to emerge once I have time to take a breath, fer chrissakes.
In the meantime, here's a little funny I picked up in my travels:
New Business Rules, to Come Into Effect Immediately:
We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of illness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact; to have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your days tasks are completed.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However, we will require at least two weeks notice, as you are required to train your replacement.
Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 9:00 - 9:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 9:20 - 9:40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes around again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.
Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordng to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy shoes or designer clothing we will obviously assume that you do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to the organization. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a productive day