TITLE: Day Dream
DATE: 2/07/2005 11:31:00 AM
What do you say we liberate you from conventions that drag you down? And wean you from customs that steal your joy? It's a perfect moment to break with all the useless, burdensome, energy-sapping aspects of the past. --Free Will Astrology
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell (1904 - 1987)
I can picture it so clearly that I know it probably isn't a mistake.
I picture myself riding the train to Boston, propped comfortably on the commuter rail train's seat, cheek kissed by the morning sun streaming in the boxy windows of the car, Walkman or perhaps iPod firmly in ears, book or notebook open, eyes or pen scanning. I picture watching the skyline of the city of my heart rise over the horizon--and getting to do this every day. I picture working nestled within the great beating heart that is Boston. I picture handling the written word as raw material in my work.
I picture happiness. At least more happiness.
I haven't had such a clear picture in my head of my future life since the first time I saw the apartment I now live in. I had looked at other places that seemed wrong, too cramped, a drawer or corner off, inconvenient, up three flights of twisting, rickety stairs, too expensive, in a cracked-out neighborhood...and then there was this place. Sunlit and gorgeous, spacious airy rooms, deep green carpet. The door even had a window in it, and the bathroom was enormous, and standing there, maybe it was the way the light hit, this is where I knew I would live, cost be damned, to hell with my fears, this was where I belonged.
Now there are wrenching forces of change pressing and pulling on my life. Decisions to be made. Consequences to accept. But my fear is so great because I know what I will, and must do, and that it's almost as if I have no choice in the matter.
If I did, I probably wouldn't be so worried.
But it's inexorable, inescapable, though the origins of this concept are unclear: I belong on that train.